Brother-In-Law

My friend got married this past winter. Since I was living in her hometown at the time, I was able to attend the reception she had there. There I met her new brother-in-law, whom I will call "Bill" (for Brother-In-Law, aren't I clever?).

Here is a snippet our first conversation:

Bill: Hey, is your husband sitting here?
Me: (wiggling the naked fingers of my left hand at him) Nope, single.
Bill: Oh, you walked in with a guy and I thought maybe he was your husband.
My thoughts: I walked in about 5 feet behind another girl...but that was a clever way to find out my status.


We had a very nice conversation, complete with my friend pulling me aside to point out knowingly that we seemed to be getting along well.* We danced for a little while that evening, during which he was incredibly charming. Right before I left, he asked me for my number, stating that even though he would be leaving to go back to his home on the other side of the country in a few days, he didn't want to miss out on a chance with me.

We texted quite a bit after that and decided to go together to my friend's farewell party the next evening. It was a lovely evening and we got to know quite a bit about each other. When I went to drop him off at the hotel, we began a short conversation about what would happen when he went home. It was a DTR of sorts. Realizing that the conversation would take longer than I had gas in my car, we parked the car and went into the hotel lobby to continue our discussion. We eventually determined that we would talk and write each other letters and see how things went. The evening was going so well that we continued talking for even a few hours after that, and even after he walked me out to the car, he kept me engrossed in conversation.

He went home, and we continued texting and talking on the phone for hours at a time. Things seemed to be going really well until we had one particular conversation that went something like this:

Me: Until about a week and a half ago, I was dating this one guy. It's completely over, though. I just thought you should know because I still have some feelings for him.
Bill: Well, you should probably know that this weekend I'm going to Maryland to visit a girl for New Year's weekend. That was all before I met you, though.
Me: Okay, that's fine. I'm not your girlfriend, and you're allowed to visit whomever you want.

At this point I got a text from my newlywed friend containing some vital information. The conversation took a different turn:

Me: Wait, you've been dating this girl for quite awhile now?
Bill: ...Yes.
Me: Are you guys serious?
Bill: Well, yes, but we have the kind of relationship where if we find something better, we can explore it.
Me: Wait, so she's your girlfriend?
Bill: Yes, but like I said, we're allowed--
Me: Were you planning on telling her this weekend about me? That you kissed a girl while you were gone?
Bill: No, our relationship really isn't like that--
Me: Were you ever going to tell me about her??
Bill: I just did!

Needless to say, things between Bill and I did not work out. I hear, though, that things are going well between him and the aforementioned girlfriend and things might even be heading toward marriage. Glad I got out of that one while I still could!



*She had done this once already that night after I conversation I'd had with another one of her male relatives. I think she's determined to become related to me somehow!

Lifesaver Boy: The Date

--Continued--

Mark: Is your party over?
Me: Would I be on Facebook if I was still at a party?
Mark: Good point. Wanna hang out?
Me: ...Fine.
Mark: Great! Now...what's there to do in Provo at this time of night?
Me: Well...there's the dollar theater...
Mark: Great! I'll come pick you up!


The only movie that started so late was Pink Panther 2. Since the movie started at 12:30 and that's when he picked me up, we walked into the movie about 10 minutes late, one of my major pet peeves. Thinking, however, that I should continue giving him the benefit of the doubt, I followed him confidently into the near-empty movie theater, anticipating an enjoyable cinematic experience.


Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, though that evening I gained a true appreciation for something which I had never before considered to be anything other than a nuisance: cheap dollar theater seats. As soon as we sat down, Mark attempted to put up the armrest between our seats. Typically, someone who makes this mistake will quickly cease the attempt and laugh it off. However, as I had discovered since our electronic reunion a few months earlier, Mark is anything but typical. Rather than playing off his faux pas, he continued his struggle against the chair for a full minute before I leaned over and whispered to him:


Me: Hey, Mark?
Mark: Yeah?
Me: I don't think it goes up.
Mark: Really? *wiggles armrest*
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Mark: Oh. I thought maybe it was just stuck.


This defeat didn't fluster Mark in the slightest. He simply sat back in his seat and, with an air of almost sangfroid, he pulled out--you guessed it--a bag of Lifesavers. Then he proceeded to engage in another one of my biggest movie pet peeves: talking through the movie. Now, I have nothing against talking with a friend while watching a movie both of you have seen several times, or even making a few relevant comments throughout a movie that I haven't seen. However, I absolutely can not stand when people try to make conversation with me during a movie that I have never seen. For instance: it is not acceptable to ask me about my major, my family, school, or my previous boyfriends unless it directly pertains to the movie. Since Mark addressed all of the aforementioned subjects during the hour and a half or so that we were in the theater, it was quite the miserable experience for me.


But, hark! Sometimes wishes do come true! The movie ended, we were walking out the door, we were getting in the car, he was starting the car, and we were heading back to my dorm--


But, alas, he seemed to think the date was going rather well:


Mark: So what else is there to do in Provo at this time of night?
Me: What??
Mark: You know--what places are open at 2am?
Me: Well...there's Walmart...and the park...
Mark: Great! Where's the park?


My attempt to tactfully suggest that we should go home because it was too late for anything to be open for business and therefore far beyond my bedtime was perhaps a bit too subtle. We went to the park, with me silently fuming over the fact that I had never learned how to say "no."


I do love parks, though, and thought that perhaps I could make the most of this opportunity. Whilst we were swinging on the swings and talking about subjects that I don't quite remember due to the lateness of the hour, I suddenly realized that though I had been assuming that Mark was 26, which was eight years older than I was at the time, I didn't actually know that.


Me: Hey Mark, how old are you?
Mark: How old do you think I am?
Me: Well, I kind of assumed 26.
Mark: Yeah, that's how old I look.
Me: ...How old are you really?
Mark: 28.


That's a ten year age gap! As a freshman in college who had very little experience with older guys, this was very mind-boggling, particularly since he knew exactly how old I was! I didn't know what to say to this, so I did what any sleep-deprived, naive, college freshman girl would do: I pretended like it hadn't happened, and continued playing on the playground.


Eventually we migrated over to a jungle gym. I wasn't paying very close attention to much of anything, so I was caught completely off-guard when Mark appeared as if by magic and began trying to tickle my sides. I escaped to the other side of the jungle gym as quickly as possible, not for the first time in my life grateful that I'm not particularly ticklish. This naturally led to a conversation about our various ticklish spots. This in turn led to a monologue (on his side, entirely without provocation or encouragement from me) about spots that do other things, like turn him on, which apparently spurned the following conversation:


Mark: Hey, Michelle?
Me: Yeah?
Mark: How many guys have you kissed?
Me: Um...Six.
Mark: Oh. Well, I wouldn't mind being your lucky number seven!
Me: ...I'll keep that in mind, Mark.


At that point, I asked him to take me home. I no longer had any delusions about rescuing the date or giving him the benefit of the doubt. As we walked toward his car, he hip-bumped me off the side walk and I would have fallen down the hill if he hadn't quickly wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me in close, and said: "I just saved your life! I'm your Lifesaver!" I quickly stepped out of his arm and booked it to the car, making a note to avoid even accidental contact on the way home. When he dropped me off at my dorm, I was unbuckled and opening the car door with my key card ready in hand before he had even come to a complete stop. I sprinted for my building and only stopped to catch my breath after I was safely sequestered behind the alarmed and locked outer door. Finally, it was over.


Or so I thought. The next day, with no preamble, Mark sent me a text:


Dear Michelle,
Remember that one time when you almost fell down a hill and died but I saved you? Good times.
Love,
Mark


Needless to say, I didn't respond to that text, his requests for my address once I moved, or his not-so-subtle hints of possible visits while we were both home back east for the summer.

--The End--

Lifesaver Boy

During my first year of college, I had so many boys in my life (many as just friends, thank you very much!) that none of my friends could keep all of the poor boys' names straight. Thus, my friends began to make nicknames for the boys attached to how I knew them, their most distinctive feature, or the crazy story that made them worth mentioning in the first place! That brings me to this post's title. I give you: Lifesaver Boy.

I first met Lifesaver Boy (we'll call him Mark) at EFY, a church youth camp, the summer I turned 16. This was a week-long camp and Mark was my counselor. It is a well-known fact that everybody gets a crush on their EFY counselor during at least one summer. I happened to have the biggest crush on Mark. So, overtaken by my infatuation, I went home and eagerly added him as a friend on MySpace. We swapped MySpace messages and I dreamed of dating, romance, and eventually a white dress. Devastatingly, however, he got a girlfriend and I moved on.

Fast-forward a couple years. At this point in the story, I'm 18 and nearing the end of my first semester at BYU. I have a steady boyfriend. It's Thanksgiving and I'm visiting my friend Kylie and her family in Idaho, trying to relax and not freak out about my first week of finals ever. I get a MySpace message, which is weird since I haven't used MySpace in ages, choosing instead to favor Facebook. I soon discover that it's a message from Mark, telling me that he's graduated from college out East, worked down in Texas for awhile, and is now in Provo. Reading between the lines, it's easy to discover that he's in Provo basically to get married.

Being the still-naive girl that I was, and in a relationship with a different boy, I didn't even consider the possibility that his search for a wife would extend to me. I told him to add me as a friend on Facebook and we picked back up what I assumed was a friendship.

Then one night I had a fight with my boyfriend. I don't do well with such things, so I was awake and online at some forsaken hour. I imagine I posted something depressing as my Facebook status because Mark tried to cheer me up via Facebook chat. The end of the conversation, after I had started feeling better, went something like this:

Me: Thanks for cheering me up, Mark. You're a real lifesaver.
Mark: Ooo, really?! What flavor?
Me: Um...cherry?
Mark: Oh, Orange is my favorite. But cherry is good too!
Me: Huh, ya know, I haven't had Lifesavers in forever.
Mark: Me either! We should get together sometime and have Lifesavers!
Me: ...Sure, Mark. Sure.

Now, normally when a guy says something incredibly stupid, he will realize his mistake soon afterward and never mention it again in the hopes that it will be forgotten, or he may attempt to apologize. Either Mark didn't realize that he had just spouted one of the worst pickup lines I had ever heard, or he was hoping that I hadn't realized it. Either way, within a few days, we had another conversation on Facebook, beginning with this line:

Mark: Hey, how do I contact you for Lifesaver times? Do you have a phone?

Still giving him the benefit of the doubt as I'd been taught most of my life and believing his intentions to be those of friendship, I gave him my number.

Fast-forward a few months. At this point, my boyfriend and I have broken up. I am nearing the end of my first full year at BYU and again stressing about finals when I fall unfortunately ill. I'm in my dorm room in the evening when the following text message conversation takes place (keep in mind that Mark has graduated from college and doesn't work on-campus):

Mark: Hard day studying?
Me: Actually, I'm really sick, so I haven't done much studying at all, really.
Mark: Oh. Are you on-campus?
Me: No. I'm sick. I'm in my room.
Mark: Oh. Want me to come keep you company?
Me: No thanks. I'm just going to go to bed.

A few days later Mark popped up on Facebook chat yet again:

Mark: Are you feeling better?
Me: Yes, much! I'm sorry about last Wednesday. I was really sick. What was up?
Mark: Well, I was just wandering around campus with a big bag of Lifesavers and didn't want to eat them by myself.

After two weeks of pestering me to go on a date with him, Mark finally got to me at about midnight on a Saturday night:

Mark: Is your party over?
Me: Would I be on Facebook if I was still at a party?
Mark: Good point. Wanna hang out?
Me: ...Fine.
Mark: Great! Now...what's there to do in Provo at this time of night?
Me: Well...there's the dollar theater...
Mark: Great! I'll come pick you up!

--To Be Continued--

Introduction

Welcome to Dating Disasters! You know all of those crazy dating stories you hear, but because they're so outrageous you know that they can't possibly be true? Well, I'm the poor girl whose luck it is to be a magnet for the types of guys who perpetuate these ordeals. This site will be dedicated to all the crazy, horrifying, and hilarious dating experiences I've had thus far.

Since this site will be dedicated to my dating life, it's only fair that I should tell you a few things about myself. If you want to see what I look like, there's a great picture up there in the corner. Other than that, I'm a college student. Oh, and I'm a girl. Any questions? Good. On with the storytelling!